New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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