I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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