I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
