Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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