I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
