I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
