I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
