So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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