Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
