i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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