Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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