So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
