I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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