Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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