If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
