watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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