The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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