Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
