She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
