You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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