you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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