Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
