is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
