girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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