Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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