census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
