He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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