I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
