Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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