I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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