I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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