There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
