Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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