Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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