I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
