yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
