When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
