Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
