Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
