You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
