My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
