It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
