dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
