happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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