You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
