if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
