We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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