The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Come share oat with me in your robe
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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