it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the condom got lost in my hair
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
