Only a mothe r could love this liver
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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