Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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