Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just high enough for therapy.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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