I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
